


i'm sayin' goodbye, dallas

by MeansToOffend (goodmorning)



Series: Pick Me Up (Again) [13]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 2009-2010 NHL Season, 2015-2016 NHL Season, 2017-2018 NHL Season, 2019-2020 KHL Season, Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Dallas Stars, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24076891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorning/pseuds/MeansToOffend
Summary: "Antti lets his heart ice over, refusing to wish things could be different."
Relationships: Kari Lehtonen/Antti Niemi
Series: Pick Me Up (Again) [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1180688
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	i'm sayin' goodbye, dallas

Kari thinks it’s better to fail than not to try.

Antti has been burned one too many times to believe that.

\--

He can’t quite bring himself to be hopeful after the buyout. Everyone says “a fresh start,” “a change of scene,” but he’s 34 years old; these are lies people tell younger players, who can still fool themselves into believing them.

And when Antti doesn’t win a game until January and his third team of the season, when everyone’s laughing behind his back and kid gloves to his face, all he feels is grim satisfaction - he’s right again. The winning high can’t reach him.

His teammates aren’t happy either, that’s obvious. He has plenty of time to watch them, since they rarely speak to him, and it’s clear from the way they carry themselves. They slump, breathing in defeat, breathing out despair. Patches, more than anyone, might as well be a ghost, squaring up for a fight he can never reach. The room is missing someone vital; it’s like its heart’s been ripped out.

Antti knows the feeling.

\--

Later, there’ll be contract disputes, arbitration, free agency.

Now, there’s a disappearing goal, a mob of teammates, a shiny prize lofted overhead for all to see and cheer and know - he was instrumental in making this happen.

In a few years’ time, which will Antti remember best?

\--

He won’t miss San Jose; most of his connections are people, and most people he’d miss are already long gone. He’s become used to it, the familiar pull of remembering things that were different, tucking them quietly back into the places they actually are, into the raw corner of his heart that begs him not to touch it. 

Picked scabs don’t heal, he knows, but Antti’s brain has other ideas, constantly poking his tender edges until he feels almost sick. Or maybe it’s his heart all along, traitorously keeping itself inflamed so he can never, ever forget.

Then he meets Kari. 

Properly, this time, not a familiar face at Olympics training camp, at the other end of the table during Finnish team meals, the other end of the locker room where Antti’s the spare.

At first all Antti can think is how much he’s missed home, because Kari’s face says Finland like licorice and salt. Then Kari meets his eyes and grins. It’s open and honest and lights up his whole face; Antti feels himself responding, feels his own lips move into his own crooked smile, like the left side of his mouth is a plant gravitating to the first summer sun, if the summer sun was Kari.

Then again, who knows? Maybe Kari is the summer sun, with a face like that.

\--

It’s been a long, ugly season and a long, ugly game, but they’re finally on the same ice again and it’s… not right.

Kari is all Antti ever wanted; to see him so close, so untouchable… Antti wants to shut down. His heart aches, longing to throw out his arms for a familiar hug, but he’s hurt and been hurt since then. It’s not the same. It can’t be the same. All he can do is protect himself. 

Antti lets his heart ice over, refusing to wish things could be different.

\--

Dallas is hot. The feeling of sweat rolling down his neck whenever he’s outside isn’t any less like melting than the feeling he gets whenever Kari looks at him.

It takes weeks to work up something like courage, to even think about something like asking Kari out, but it doesn’t happen that way.

“Let’s go eat, just us,” Kari says, and Antti can only nod, questions rushing through his thoughts and words escaping him. “Like a date,” Kari says. “I want to date you, if you’re interested.”

Antti knows this will end in tears, but he can’t help but nod again. “Yes,” he finally manages, “that would be good.” 

Kari grins even brighter, Antti’s heart swelling until he almost, almost believes that he can have this, just this one thing.

They cuddle and watch the room together, and Antti is desperately in love.

\--

Finland is home, but the NHL is where he wants to be, eventually. So when Chicago is interested, he signs then and there. 

He doesn’t expect to be their starter in the playoffs just one season later, but there he is, way ahead of schedule.

Antti breathes in the cold, cold air and watches the play at the other end of the ice.

\--

Antti knows enough by now to know when he’s finished, and his career in the NHL is definitely done. But, all the same, he can’t quite let himself be done with hockey, not when he feels fit enough to play. So he asks his agent to field offers from KHL teams, and then he gets the call he couldn’t even let himself hope for.

Jokerit have said yes. Antti can go home to Helsinki, can see his family whenever he wants, can speak his own language and re-learn the streets of his own city.

He doesn’t even think about who else is in Helsinki until the evidence is right in front of his eyes.

After his first home game, he’s feeling fairly indifferent to his not-particularly-embarrassing loss. The team are a little bit down in the locker room, and some of them insist on apologizing to him, but Antti really doesn’t mind that they didn’t get this one, and he tells them so. There will be more games this season, after all. Still, he’s one of the last to leave, after being interrupted so often, so he’s not expecting to see anyone in the hallway, let alone Kari, but… Kari is there.

_Kari is there._

Antti freezes, but doesn’t have a chance to react before Kari is extending his arms for a hug, and he feels his own feet move under him, thoughtlessly propelling him into what he’s pretended not to miss so desperately for so long.

“Welcome home,” Kari says, and Antti nearly cries.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Title is from Steely Dan's "Dallas" because the Stars' goal song is just Pantera chanting "Dallas! Stars!" over and over.  
> \- Originally this was going to be almost entirely about the breakup and it ended up... not appearing here? Sometimes I'm not sure what my brain is doing. There could easily be about 6k more words to this so it was pretty difficult to trim down.  
> \- Also I've been trying to write this story since 2017 but better late than never I guess.  
> \- Niemi joined the NHL in 08-09 with Chicago, became their starter in the 09-10 playoffs, they couldn't afford his contract so he ended up with San Jose, who kept him until summer of 2015 when they traded his UFA rights to Dallas, who signed him but bought out his contract two years later, so he signed with Pittsburgh, who waived him after three games, so he was picked up by Florida, who waived him after two games, so he was picked up by Montreal, where he played two seasons before deciding to return home to Helsinki and play for Jokerit in 19-20.  
> \- Lehtonen hasn't played pro since 17-18 but hasn't formally retired yet.


End file.
